Complaining about things is fun, requires little work and I can make use of my favorite thing: sarcasm. I'm also a huge fan of rationalization. Rationalization and I are bff's. It's like a game to see how many creative ways I can whip him out to feel good about my shady decisions. Creativity gets you places in life, remember this kids.
Unfortunately I've been looking in the mirror lately and thinking "Um, no. This isn't going to work for me". Surprisingly however, that hasn't seemed to fix the problem. I guess my spare tire is immune to the power of suggestion and subtle hints. I tried harsher tactics like leaving pictures of pretty bodies around the house so my thunder thighs would feel the shame of their disfigurement and apologize for being insensitive to my ego. I'm still waiting on that apology. So now I'm back to square one.
*Warning, the remaining portion of this post is filled with vulgar language and upsetting ideas. Topics and words may include: diet, exercise, health, and reality. Proceed at your own risk.
Here comes that ugly word. Brace yourselves or look away. Ready?
Yep, it's come to that. My body has taken my power of rationalization and used it against me. Its decided that all over jiggle isn't a bad thing and I should be happy that I could probably win a popularity contest against a jello jiggler. I mean, have you seen those things? They're adorable.
While that is a bit of a consolation, I think I'm supposed to be reaching a bit higher. Not sure future employers and love interests will comprehend the high honor of being crowned Miss Popularity in a jiggler competition. And it is a high honor. But alas, I'm ignoring the phone calls of my beloved friend Rationalization and accepting that this will not do.
I have to look at my options and none of them are easy on the eyes. (Here's the vulgar part I was warning you about)
Option 1: Probing
I can fork over thousands of dollars to have some old man in a white coat knock me out while he shoves a vacuum into my body and sucks out my jiggle. Pros: easy. Cons: expensive, painful, kind of creepy.
Option 2: Voluntary Malnutrition
Starving myself is always an option. I can pretend I'm on a hunger strike for a noble cause, like saving the monarch butterfly. That may not make sense to you but if you cared about them like I do then you'd know they want me to starve for them. They need me to stop eating so they can live. Bet you feel guilty for judging me now huh? Pros: fast, good cause, possible career as halloween prop. Cons: no food, intense discomfort, potential death.
Option 3: Diet and exercise
This is an ancient technique that has been used for centuries to de-jiggle peasants and rulers alike. The main idea is to eat less delicious food and make your body move in more uncomfortable ways. I wonder who's the first guy to think that sounded like a good idea? Idiot. Despite being formulated by a man who was probably a few sticks short of a campfire, it seems to work, so we'll just postpone our scrutiny for now. Pros: safe, effective, increased coolness factor from saying 'ancient technique'. Cons: hard, inconvenient, devised by brilliant sociopath for purposes of seeing people tortured (maybe I just made that up but you can't prove it).
Weighing the pros and cons of each, I'm not thrilled with what I'm left with. I refuse to break my 23 year record of being probe free. It's a lifestyle choice that makes me feel superior. +1 for the ego. Also, while there is probably good money in the untapped market of live skeletons, I don't think I could part with what little caboose juice I have. That would make my dream of being a music video booty dancer even harder to obtain. Don't give up on your dreams kids.
Aaaaaaaand....I'm left with the village idiot. Diet and exercise. Joy.
My life is going to suck. But I'll look fabulous being miserable. +2 for the ego.